Sammy Snaps
by Lilya
Summary: Beware the nice ones when they are pushed over the limit. No one can tell what’s going through Sam’s mind now, not even Dean.
1. Dean

Title: Sammy Snaps

Author: Lilya

Genre: Angst

Summary: Beware the nice ones when they are pushed over the limit. No one can tell what's going through Sam's mind now, not even Dean.

Main Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Nothing in this fiction belongs to me, except perhaps the basic plot.

Warnings: Out-of-Character-ness (but I meant it)

Author's notes: English is not my native tongue – please forgive my mistakes. If some sentences don't make sense, please tell me and I'll try to fix them.

**SAMMY SNAPS**

_Part I: Dean._

I wish I knew what the fuck he's thinking – fuck, is he even thinking at all?!

I used to be able to read him and now… He's shutting me out, but not well enough, he can never get good enough – I hope.

He's got something going on, I know he has but the little bastard just won't admit it.

Not that he has to…

I wish I knew what the hell is going on. I've never been good with chick-flick stuff like _feelings_, but… I guess doing nothing but standing still for weeks has taken its toll on me.

Especially when _**I**_ was the one standing still and God knows what the fuck he was doing.

No…perhaps not even God knows.

Whatever it is, he needed time. Time and info – as if he didn't have enough of that on his own before! No, he had to go through Bobby's library three fucking times and to find what?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know and it's driving me mad.

It must be something big. And possibly dangerous. And probably crazy, he'd tell me otherwise. Or would he?

He's been using his demon powers again – doesn't even bother to hide it.

He and that Ruby bitch meet at all times of night and day, as if they were the best of buddies. At first I thought it was her, I thought she was manipulating him, using him for who-knows-what dastardly end…but that would have been too easy.

I don't think she knows what he's planning, either.

I saw her leaving one night and she looked afraid. A demon, afraid.

I've been watching her even more closely the rare times it's actually me and her and Sam and she's still afraid. I thought it might have been a one time thing – no such luck.

I can see it all flicker in her eyes – doubt and nervousness and utter, blinding fear, even when Sam's not focusing on her at all. Especially when he's not focusing on her at all.

I wonder if he's falling to the dark – but if it is so, why haven't we seen an angel yet?

Or rather, _**I**_ haven't seen an angel yet. I have no proof, but I'm fairly certain he has and that's not a thought I want to indulge on, not with his mad quest for info.

Quest. It sounds just right.

Quest for _**what**_, I wonder… It's not just info.

He's still looking for that, but he's after something else now that sort of back to hunting.

He's the one who leads the business now. He picks the hunts, he plans, he gives the orders…how the fuck did this happen?

Ok, I know how it happened, with that story of recovering from my death and taking a breather. I should have seen thought it, anybody else and I would have seen though it, but from him I believed, I believed every fucking word of it.

What a cunning bastard my little brother is.

There's more to our hunts, they're not just…stuff to keep me occupied and out of the way. Technically speaking, I'm never out of the way: he never lets me out of his sight. Ever.

I tried to go and see Bobby without him, once – and not just to say hello.

He knew. I don't know _**how**_, but he knew. And he stopped me.

Sprained my ankle with his fucking powers and calmly pointed out he could have broken my leg, as if we were discussing the fucking weather.

He doesn't want me to leave, no reason given.

I haven't tried again. I know I won't try again.

For the first time in my life I'm not just afraid for my brother: I'm also afraid of him, if only a little. Judging from Ruby's eyes, not as much as I should be.

But she has a reason why, while I…don't.

If the angels were here, they'd tell me he's leaving the righteous path and order me to kill him – I could bet the Impala on that.

Trouble is, he doesn't _**feel**_ wrong.

There's nothing like the life we lead to build up a sort of sixth sense for bad things – it might not be 100% accurate, but it's there and I consider it part of the package of healthy survival instinct.

Whenever I'm with Sam, I don't feel anything wrong in him.

Different, yes, but not wrong.

I don't know what he's doing, but I'm not sure it's betraying the business, not sure at all.

Of course, my feelings could be clouding my judgment – I've already taken that into account.

Still, if anybody wants me to pull the trigger on my baby bro, they'll have to give me more than that. Much more.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to do it at all, yes, even after my stay in Hell.

I've found myself thinking about dad, too.

What would he do if he was in my place? Would he be able to get all these secrets out of Sam?

Would he actually shoot him on a hunch?

I really don't want to know.

I just want to stop feeling helpless – I fucking hate being helpless.

I just want to know what the fuck is going on.

And I wish…I wish I had Sammy back.

* * *

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	2. Sam

Part II: Sam

Whatever happens, I must stick to the plan.

Doesn't matter how much it hurts, doesn't matter how much it takes, I must stick to the plan and I must make it work.

Dean is worried – which shouldn't be surprising, except I don't want him to worry. God, why couldn't he actually be as dense as he pretends to be? I'd still love him and this would be so much easier.

It's proving harder than I thought, but if he withstood forty years in Hell, then I can bear this. I must bear this.

I haven't felt remorse in a long time, but I hate what I'm doing to Dean, what I have to do to Dean. I tried to find a way to keep him out of this, I really tried.

It's just that there isn't one.

I really wish I could find a nice, safe place and make him sleep, sleep this whole thing through, like King Arthur in Glastonbury.

Except that they would find him then and use him against me, maybe even send him to stop me, no matter if it breaks him.

It could be so easy, too – when he finds out, he will be…well, livid doesn't even begin to describe it and I can't really blame him. He loves this life, after all.

But it's killing him, it has already killed him and it's still hurting him, still destroying him _**and I've had enough.**_

I can't let it go on anymore.

I can't let Dean…I can't.

Heaven or Hell, it doesn't matter: they are both the enemy now.

It's funny, I've become a worse atheist than Dean ever was.

If it only takes a little grain of sand, a little screw loose in the right place to stop the gears of any mechanism, I'll be that grain of sand. I'll be that screw loose, even if it kills me.

It very well might before I'm even remotely ready – if they ever find out I'm playing both sides against each other… Another reason why Dean must be left in the dark.

It's crazy and fucking dangerous, I know, but I need more – more info, more power, I could use more time too if there was a way to get it. I need a power they could never beat, not even by teaming up.

The best part is they are both convinced that, whatever I do, I'll bring Judgment Day on Earth As Per Previously Decided and it will be just a matter of seeing which side I'll choose.  
Except I have already made my choice and it's Dean.

Not only I won't cooperate with this Fate, Doom, Destiny or whatever they want to call it this week, I will use it to my advantage.

They won't know what hit them until it's too late – I'm going to kick them out, slam the door in their faces and lock it! Out of our lives, out of our business, out of our world, forever and ever, amen.

Dean will never forgive me.

I don't know what I'll do when he'll hate me – it's going to hurt worse than anything we've been through, even worse than this, but as long as they can never touch him again, I can live with this.

I'll have to live with this.

I only hope someday he will understand.

Sometimes I'm not sure I could actually pull this off if Dean knew. He's the only one who can stop me – always was, always will be.

I'm sure it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

I can't let them get him, I won't let any of them get to him, not anymore. I have found ways to keep them away, keep them from reaching him.

Working on the plan would be so much easier if Dean wasn't always with me, but it's the best way I have to keep him safe, I know I wouldn't get a minute of rest if I couldn't check on him at any given time.

And if I have to be completely honest, I can't just let go of him. I need him close to remind me the reason why I'm doing this.

It's a dangerous, complicated plan – so dangerous and complicated I could easily lose myself in it.

Dean is my anchor to sanity.

This procedure is taking its toll on me – sometimes it's so bad I dread going to sleep at night and Dean lets me sleep in his bed, as if we were children all over again.

Even if I won't answer his questions, even if not knowing drives him up the wall, even if he has all reasons to suspect the worst, he lets me and never questions me about it.

Simple as that.

It might not chase the nightmares away anymore, but when I wake up the next day I'm ready to do anything, I could take on the whole universe.

The plan is far from perfect yet, but I'll get there, little by little I'll get there.

There's no time to waste worrying if it will work or if I'll survive, though I have no intention to do the Noble Sacrifice Thing unless I really have to.

In the meantime, I'll have to keep on hurting Dean day in and day out – there's no help for that.

I'll just grit my teeth and keep my pain to myself – and stick to the plan.

Whatever happens, I will stick to the plan.

* * *

Sorry I put off updating, but I have an exam tomorrow - so I'm going to give myself something to look forward to. Since I was studying like crazy, I ended up not answering the reviews to the previous chapter despite my best intentions: I'm really sorry.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter - anybody saw that (i.e. Sam's real plan) coming?

Whether you liked it or hated it, leave a review and let me know.


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